Blearg.

Ugh. I am sick today. I’m taking the last of my Dayquil, and then I’ve got to buy more. I took Nyquil stuff last night, and went to bet at 7:40, woke up at 4am, and then went and took more medicine and knocked out until seven am. I was SO tempted to call in today, but I really need the money.

Found out that one of my classes has one textbook; new its like 65 bucks, but I can get it used at various places for like 40-ish. Pretty good. I’ll get it next week, I think.

New library computer/laptop at work has not arrived yet. I backed everything up, but it didn’t appear last night/this morning like Mr. Hunter said it would. Grah. Added on that, I really feel punk… I’m drinking salty peppermint-licorice tea, with a seven up to chase it down later. I just want to close my eyes and pass out. Guh. I feel slow—probably my sinuses telling me that they’re not happy with me.

There’s a million books to put back, and I just feel achy and not much like moving. UGH. Added on that, the kiddies keep coming in at recess and asking about very specific historical figures that they’d have to go to a public library to find out about…nothing that I’d even remotely have in this library. (Their faith is touching but not very realistic at times). Plus, the crowding around my desk makes me nervous when I’m so Icky and ill.

Arrg. I knew I should have stayed home today. Bleh!

Yogi for the day is : Every heartbeat creates a miracle. I dunno, I think plants don’t have heartbeats, and what they do is miraculous; oxygen and carbon dioxide consumption is a pretty big deal. I get it that the yogi thing probably means life, but I don’t really want to dwell on that. I just want to get well, be able to breath, and sleep. I think I need a nap. Or a distraction. Maybe if I look at my costume folder/ideas I’ll get inspired. Hm.

Dear Sea of Fishes: I’m throwing this one back

What is it about people who have no courage? Seriously, I’m not a mate devouring spider. If you want to avoid me, do so, but don’t be a wimp and not show up to work. Hey, I showed up, because I at least have some modicum of professionalism.

Basically I have concluded that it IS better to never have relationships with anyone you peripherally work with, because you can never rely on the other person to have any sort of objectivity or professionalism after all is said and done. Or at least, others don’t have the ability to turn off their liking for someone with the snap of a switch. I think it’s something that women have probably evolved over the years—an emotional coping mechanism for finding the best mate; if one person doesn’t work out, we purge ourselves (however long or short that takes) and move on to the next prospect. Or in my case, move on to the enjoyment of free time and a lack of preoccupation with having to worry about someone interrupting our free time with minutinae.

Besides, I’ve always had the attitude that dating people you work with is just NOT DONE. Guess that’s why boy sort of sidewaysed (oh yes, I’m making that into a verb) his way into a “relationship”—what any other normal person would simply term casual dating. I think the reason why the dating didn’t go anywhere (and why I didn’t want it to) was A. because I was sort of working with the guy and wasn’t really interested in dating much in the first place (too busy), and B. because I wasn’t really interested in him anyway, other than as a friend. Besides, if you’re not sexually/romantically interested in someone, it won’t go anywhere at all. You can’t have one partner doing all the work. That’s not a relationship. Which was why I was trying to keep it at “casual dating” and why time and again, I stated that I was only interested in dating once in a while. If you can’t understand that, then you’re setting yourself up for a fall.

Maybe that makes me a venomous, man-eating spider, but hey, I’m not asking people to commit to a relationship. I don’t want that right now; I’m committed to getting grad school done with a “summa cum laude” next to my MS title. If it happens, it happens, but I’m not interested in serious investment at this time. Plus, I’m REALLY REALLY not comfortable dating people younger than me. With guys, it’s better to go a few years older, because then at least they’ve got a little more maturity, and can have the “so, are we going to date exclusively” conversation. (Which I never had with boy, obviously, other than stating that I wasn’t interested in anything more serious---twice.)

And don’t even get me started on asking coworkers for advice where kids can hear. You can bet I’ll be hearing about it. ARG. I only talked to my friends, and they’d never blab that shit, just as I’d never blab confidential shit about friends to anyone else. It’s just right up the “DON’T GO THERE” alley.

So yeah, that fishie was too young. Eh.

You say that like I'm going to call YOU...

Is it wrong to be delighted that a relationship is over? I'd say no, especially when it really wasn't doing much for me, other than stressing me out.

And why should I be forced to comply with a gender role just so another person can help a "weak female" out? Fuck that--I've never been a weak, "oh, I can't do it, it's too hard" type of female. I can open my own doors, pay for my own drinks...I am not a fainting, missish wimp. Don't get me wrong, a little chivalry is great, but IF I get to a door first, I'll open it. If I need help, I'll ask for it. If I need money, I'll ASK for it. Or, I'll keep a tab with what I owe, so next time, I can handle the bill. All I ask for is a little reciprocity.

In fact, I don't NEED chivalry, but I can understand some guys want to do that stuff, and I'm ok with letting them some of the time. But don't whine to me about how I'm so independent, or "you darn independent people." WTF. Of course I am! I should be by this stage in my life---I'm a grad student, and someday a PHD student. Of course I SHOULD be independent by this point. I'm sorry, I'm not going to make myself co-dependent to maintain a relationship. When I tell you I'm low maintenance, I MEAN low maintenance. If I want more, I'LL CALL YOU. If not, take it as given that I am BUSY. BUSY. Or not interested.

And don't even get me started on the "Oh, I don't pay attention to politics--they don't have any affect on my life" attitude. BULLSHIT. Seriously, when that was told to me, I heard warning air raid sirens go off, and I kinda knew it just wasn't going to work out. Heck, I don't care if your politics are diametrically opposed to mine--just have an opinion and CARE a little. Not caring is as good as apathy---or sloth. And I'm a great proponent of sloth being the worst of all evils, in accordance with what Dante says in Il Commedia Divino.

Thank god, thank god, it's over without too much fuss. Hopefully boy will have gained some distance over the Christmas holiday, and will be professional at work. I can only hope, though I'm not particularly sanguine about it. Telling me that he'd like to kiss me there one time was not exactly ...comfortable...for me.

On another note, it was a nice walk to the block today in the rain. I wandered around afterward and got a couple leggings for 3 bucks each. Nice! I kept scoping out boots, but nothing really interesting. Most all of them were cheap or had zippers. I think the ones Jules found on Ebay are pretty darn sweet. No real good prices either. Guess the new year is not going to be any cheaper than last year. No super big discounts because everyone is trying to make SOME money.

I'm determined to do some major job searching this week---got to fill out graduate assistant paperwork for the library and other areas. I'm going to go lurk on the CSUF webpage and see what I can find.

I think I'll be updating this more often this year. It'll be a good outlet for me, I think. Should be fun!