Estrogen, Kiss My Fucking ASS.

Have not eaten yet. Did, however, have my daily does of caffeine. Nice cuppa. Wonderful.

Upon reflection, I have realized that I am becoming addicted to my skateboard/longboard. It's so much faster and easier to get to class on it, rather than walking. Yes, I am a lazy person. I still walk pretty regularly though, since there's lots of hills. That, and I somehow feel terribly guilty about not getting any exercise. I haven't worked out since I got sick this quarter. Very sad. AND, since I no longer have a ride on the weekends to go sailing, I haven't sailed in approx. three weeks. I'm having withdrawal symptoms (eg: the desire to write, draw...sakteboard around)

Or maybe that's just because it's almost finals week. The impending sense of doom always sort of prompts me to defend myself with more daydreaming/goofing off.

I think I need food. My stomach is starting to mutiny. I fed the damn thing a granola bar, but is it satisfied? Noooooo. Damn demanding physical concerns. Why oh why can't I just fall through a portal into another universe where I don't have to eat or drink much to sustain normal body functions? Oh wait, because I'd miss everyone here. Family, friends. My lil' compy. So, stuck with the vile succubus called hunger and the equally damning fella named "high metabolism". Phooey.

Or is it incubus? hmmm. Will have to check. (not that I care anyhow). Maybe another cup of tea will satisfy the little monster? That's it.

Work was fun last night. I appropriated a surfing mag and a victoria's secret catalog from the front desk and read them/ absorbed them like a sponge, cover to cover. Wheee!

On another note, co-worker brandon is really strange. He's one of those people I honestly don't know HOW his brain is firing, because he is consistently obtuse. This is not a good thing. I have no idea how to react around him, because his emotions are not out there (or at least I don't understand much of what he says). Dunno, I've started just being really sarcastic and ignoring him. He's too strange for me. I don't have the appropriate "total psycho" filter for him. --Nate at least is fun to tease and talk to.

Have no idea where my heater went. Will have to ask evelio and chris if they know. I didn't see it last night when I worked. *siiiigh* I left it there last week so we'd have one when it was cold for the late shift. AUGH. Whattapain.

Sometimes, the whole bleeding out your butt thing for girls really prompts me to want to kill something. It sucks, it's messy, and I feel like a walking wound. Yuck, who ever said being a girl was better, there are DEFINITELY some days I would disagree. Grrr. That, and for some reason I have this unreasonable desire for sex or something. Am I just horny? Stupid fucking hormones. I really don't like them. BOOO. Estrogen, kiss my fucking ASS.

Ha, and guys always think girls aren't horny. Well, we are sometimes. Grouchy too. ARRRG. This shit sucks.

Its so difficult nowdays. There's a huge conflict within you, you know? How do you draw the line at being a slut who sleeps around, or just a girl who's had sex, and then moved on. Does sex=slut automatically? If you listen to religion, yes. Why do I even have that stupid thinking component in me? What's wrong with MY sexual desires? I want sex to mean something, I guess. Maybe that's just me forcing a concept on a physical act of pleasure, but I really do.

It seems silly that I'd have to wait until marriage for meaningful sex. Yes, that avoids a lot of problems, like disease and pregnancy...but isn't that what birth control is for? And yearly exams/self exams.... I'm not saying I want to out and just "have a good fuck" as it's said, but I don't know how exactly to go about satisfying my desires. (Back to the whole sex being meaningful thing) I feel bad about repressing myself, but on the other hand, I feel faintly guilty IF i masturbate or something. Yeeesh. It must be hormones. Gaaah!

It really is frustrating, because sometimes I really feel like people nowadays in the USA only want sex. They don't want a friendship or partnership + sex, they want SEX, then maybe something else. Or maybe it just really seems like it in LA at the college scene. Really, what are frat parties but group orgies--- complete with sex standing up (dancing), foreplay (frat boys chatting you up and staring at your chest or ass), and drinking (the magic that induces all the kiddies to do the sex thing). It makes me feel cheap and dirty when I go, so I've sort of sworn off them. That and I feel inadequate.

So I'm skinny and athletic and mostly red-headed. the "ballet dancer" type body. I have (?) a nice ass and legs (according to my sisters). But I'm not well endowed or gorgeous. At least I never thought so. I'm the shorter girly version of my dad's facial structure.

And everyone wonders why I don't want to go out. Eww, no thanks. It's one thing to go do something like the RHPS, which is for fun and being silly, but orgies 'R' NOT US.

And though it IS funny (my friends suggested it), I am NOT a lesbian. I just want a meaningful relationship. I prefer frienship BEFORE sex, thank you. Geeks are fun, but some of them are so strange...I'm not interested. 'Sides, I have that wierd fetish for smooth-featured guys. Or, really, Asian guys. Not TOO girly looking though. The one's in LA are all taken, seems like.

Maybe I'm trying to create an unattainable ideal here. Who knows? I really don't care. But let's be honest here; I really doubt that I'm going to have some fantastic relationship in college. Besides, I want to see more of the world before settling down and popping out a couple of brats. I want a relationship like my parents. Understanding and love.

But in the meantime, the estrogen keeps talking. and so the conflict continues.